Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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