I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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