can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
