I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
