im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
