The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
