recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
