I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
