Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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