3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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