I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
