Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
