Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
