So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He? As in you personified your dick?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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