She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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