just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This house was built for laser tag.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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