I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
