Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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