Your dad touched me again.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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