Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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