Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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