god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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