haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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