Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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