Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He better not be in your backpack
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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