I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
