so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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