Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
