dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize