You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
