Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
