Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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