Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
