dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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