Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
