i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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