so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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