i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
