You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
