Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
