my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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