For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
