you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
