and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So apparently I’m into choking now
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