Where are you?
In a non slutty way
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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