There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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