the condom got lost in my hair
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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