also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
