theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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