I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
