I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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