Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
