Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
