I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
