Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
