Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I know her cup size but not her name....
I see more hoeing in ur future
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